Every morning you wake up feeling unwanted and useless, and sometimes you wonder when you'll be strong enough to make it your last of feeling unworthiness or your last of breath.
Sometimes, you wish you could convey how much it hurts and how you can plaster on a smile and joke and laugh but still feel your insides rotting.
You can plan for a future and still not want one. You don’t know if you want one.
You let all of the negative things consume you sometimes, and that is a dangerous thing. You know. You have common sense, but you're still trying to gain control. And that is the most difficult and exhausting process. To control a mind that should belong to you.
You believe you're fine; you try to tell yourself that you're fine. But you think that you think about death everyday. You don’t know if that’s normal. But maybe you don’t want it to happen because instead of doing something a few nights ago, you thought about calling the suicide hotline.
You're afraid that a cure doesn’t exist because sometimes you feel fine. But maybe things aren’t. Every time you wait for the subway, you wonder how quickly things could end if you just jump before the train comes.
You don’t know if people understand how hurt you are, and you don’t want to show it. You want to help other people. You want them to be optimistic and believe in life and hope. So, you try to be that positive light.
You don’t want attention. You don’t want to be seen as someone who overreacts. And you do want to be happy.
You really try.
And you're tired. The most exhausting thing is being sad and not knowing why. You feel enclosed. You feel gray. You feel like nothing.
Depression can crush your light, but you don't have to live in eternal darkness. The battle will make you stronger, babygirl, and I know this because I know you.
And I know you because I am you.