"If you leave me, I'll kill myself."

 

Those weren't words that any teenager should have been exposed to. But those were words that you heard constantly from about age 14 to age 18 and 19. 

Such a delicate mind and innocent heart. It was so easy to disguise verbal abuse as love, especially when love was something that you always sought. Because you grew up never completely getting along with your peers and you felt a bit distant when it came to your family. All you had was your music, writing, and a boy that promised to love you when he really didn't know how to love. 

When he did love, it seemed to be hard. So, you excused the way he constantly controlled and policed your every moment. You thought it was okay when he called you over a hundred times when you kept on hanging up because you didn't want to hear him yelling at you since you chose to wear close-fitted leggings, and he wanted you to wear loose jeans. You thought it was okay when he threatened to tell your parents that you were sexually active so that you would do what he wanted out of fear. 

There were a lot of moments when he scared you. That time you argued because he was mad about you texting a close male friend of yours. You demanded that he take you home. He wanted to drive dangerously, so you asked him to let his sister take you home. He got angrier, sped down the road, and almost purposely crashed into a tree. There were those other times that he would go through your phone while you were sleeping. He'd wake you up in a jealous rage if there were names he didn't recognize. He wouldn't let you go back to sleep until you answered all of his questions. 

He had to be in contact with you all of the time. If he couldn't get in touch with you, you were obviously doing something wrong. It was okay for him to cheat on you with a woman who faked a pregnancy for him. He said it was your fault. He thought you were cheating on him, so he had to do what he had to do. You were still the bad person, baby girl. 

Remember graduation? You begged him not to come since you were no longer dating. Guess what he did? Every morning, he would appear at your house and invite himself to the festivities your sisters had planned for you. There was no escape.

There was no escape.

There was no escape.

There was no escape. 

When you wanted to take your friend to a gay club for their 18th birthday, there was no escape. "What if a girl tries to hit on you while you're in there?" You were too young to understand that this was blanketed insecurity. You tried to go against his wishes, but he kept on calling and calling to make sure you weren't inside. There was no escape.

Only tears. 

To this day, you're still the bad person. He says that you weren't there for him enough, but you were there for him as much as you knew how. You always knew that if you didn't take care of yourself, then you couldn't take care of others.

His lack of self-love and security caused you (seemingly) inescapable pain for almost half a decade. 

You couldn't be his everything, you didn't want to be his everything, and you quickly learned that you didn't ever want to be anyone's everything either. 

 

Comment